God, am I good enough?

January 7, 2009 · Filed Under accepted by God, spiritual hearing · Comment 

To kick off the New Year, my family and I often fast and pray to dedicate the first few days to the Lord, and allow him to speak to us. We fast certain things, like food and/or television, and we read scripture.

This year, my wife and son devoted the first Monday of 2009 to this special time. For me, I wanted to set aside three days to press in and really seek the Lord about this new season in our lives.

Today is that third and final day of my special time with the Lord, and I must say, I’m mad! Seething and frustrated, fighting some intense anger.

Where did this come from? It’s the most bizarre feeling I’ve felt in a long time. My wife said this morning, “No more fasting for you–you’re been a butt the last three days.” Okay, she didn’t say “butt”–it was a nicer word, but it’s true. For some odd reason, I’ve spent my last three days frustrated and angry.

Father, why has this fast has been so hard, so frustrating, so anger-provoking? It just seems like everything has been so easily triggering anger and frustration in me. Lord, I do feel like there is a considerable amount of frustration in me. I’m not sure where it’s coming from.

Lord, what is this?

Son, this fast is allowing elements of your soul to surface. Yes, there is an anger inside of you, and it’s trying to get out. You have stuffed a lot of anger issues. You’ve taken the passive, non-conflict position most of your life, and because of that, it’s created these dark areas of your soul. You know you have it. Most men do. It’s a deep-rooted anger that was never dealt with in a healthy way.

Well, I know the answer isn’t for me to have some sort of outburst, I know that. What is it, Lord? How do I manage the anger, and deal with it like I should? Jesus went through the temples with a whip and started scattering people. There was anger, but a holy anger. I’m not sure there’s any holiness in my anger. Doesn’t feel like it.

Father, I’m just frustrated. It just feels like a fitting end to my fast—frustration. I don’t get it, Father. What’s manifesting? What’s coming out? What’s driving this?

Lack of fulfillment, son. You just don’t feel fulfilled. You are empty in many areas of your soul. You have worked for years in corporate America, and during that time, you so desperately sought affirmation and fulfillment. So, you threw yourself into projects and were the most drawing people pleaser. People liked you and you did well. There was great favor.

But, in all that you’ve done, there has been no fulfillment.

What about the movie project the last two years?

There were traces of fulfillment, but it was more about validation and affirmation. It was more external. The validation and affirmation came from the outside, from people. It felt like fulfillment, but it wasn’t true fulfillment.

Lord, I really felt a sense of accomplishment, goal achievement and satisfaction work on my big project last year. It was a goal and I achieved it with good, solid results. It felt good. I felt fulfilled.

Son, it was temporary. It’s passed and now you are back to feeling unfulfilled. You’re back to step one, seeking for something to fill your soul.

So, Lord, then how do I become fulfilled? What fulfills me?

    ful•fill: to be good enough or of the type necessary to meet a standard or requirement

To be good enough. To meet a standard or requirement.

That’s it. Lord, I don’t feel like I meet your standards. Father, I am not fulfilled, I am not confirmed as meeting a standard, a requirement. I don’t feel good enough.

Son, you are good enough. In Christ, you meet all of my requirements. All of them.

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Quiet time with God for the New Year

January 1, 2009 · Filed Under spiritual hearing · Comment 

It’s January 1, 2009–the start of a new year. It’s often a time when people set new goals and resolutions. Often, Christians will start a new Bible reading plan. Maybe it’s to read through the entire Bible in a year, or maybe it’s to read the New Testament in a year.

There are a variety of Bible reading plans out there. Here are a few:

Also, it’s a good time to get into a new habit of spending daily time with God through journaling and meditating on God’s word.

Our church recently gave its members a new prayer journal called Conversations with God. (You can download the PDF from this link.) It encourages people to start journaling and dedicating time each day to meeting with God. I believe this is essential in your walk with God. It has been a pivotal experience for me in my journey. In fact, this blog is a direct result and expression of that daily experience with God.

Tom Lane lays out the structure for his daily connect time with God:

  • Scripture Reading
  • Scripture Meditation
  • Journal
    • Praise and Thanksgiving
    • Commitment and Surrender
    • Needs and Requests
    • Blessing
    • What is God saying to me?

To give you an exmaple of what this format would look like, I decided to post my January 1, 2009 journal entry.

Scripture Reading

Matthew 1 (reading through the New Testament in 2009)

Scripture Meditation

Each year, I have a scripture for the year. For 2009, it’s Philippians 3:12-14:

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven” (Philippians 3:12-14).

You can also use a scripture that you read in your daily reading program.

Journal: Praise and Thanksgiving

Lord, I am so utterly grateful and thankful for you. So much. So, so much. You have done great and mighty things in my life. And, I so appreciate that. It’s truly wonderful, Father. Truly. Lord, the anticipation of what you’re wanting to do in my life, in my family’s lives gets my heart pounding and my mind spinning. So many wonderful things!

Father, thank you. Thank you that I don’t have to live this life alone, clueless, directionless, protection-less. You are there to guide me, to watch over me, to protect me, to save me. You keep my feet from stepping into danger. You guide my thoughts and guide me down the safe path. My roots go down deep into you, and I trust you. You are my life.

Thank you, Father!

Journal: Commitment and Surrender

In today’s “Reminders from God”, there is a great message from the “Two Listeners”. About the New Year, it says, “I hold the year in My Hands in trust for you. But I shall guide you one day at a time. Each day I supply the wisdom and the strength.”

This is a good message. I know this is what you would say to me, Father. You hold the New Year in your hands, and you shall guide me one day at a time, with each day having its own wisdom and strength for that day.

Lord, show me that. Please remind me. Help me remember that, in Jesus’ name!

Lord, I am yours. You are mine.

Journal: Needs and Requests

It’s Thursday morning, a new day, a new morning, a new year, a new month. So many new things. New dreams, new expectations, new seasons. New rhythms, new cycles, new projects, new clients, new opportunities, new friends, new movies, new partners, new productions.

I love the new year. Lord, why is it that I find this new year so exciting? It seems like I’m so driven by achievement, and that I like to achieve and accomplish things. I’m usually not this driven, but I sense that there is something big on the horizon, something exciting! I don’t know what you’re doing, but there’s something there. Something!

Father, guide me into this new year. Show me what you have planned for me and my family. Let your Spirit guide us. Help us to walk with purpose in every step, and to run towards the goal, striving, reaching, persevering. Give us wisdom and strength. Help us draw closer to you because you will be our source.

Journal: Blessings

Lord, I bless my family today. I bless my wife and my son. I bless their health, their minds, their bodies. I bless them with strength and authority. I bless them with wisdom to guide them through this year. I bless them with Godly protection, and a hedge of protection to surround them and keep them safe.

I bless my business. I bless it with exciting, successful projects this year. I bless it with new clients and new projects from current clients. I bless it with financial wisdom, creative ideas, efficient projects, and a team of creative, honest, hard-working people.

I bless all of my new projects this year. I bless the movies, the webisodes, the commercials, the documentaries, the testimonies, the websites, the marketing campaigns and all the new projects that haven’t even crossed my mind yet.

I bless my clients and their business. Grow them. Help them succeed in this down market. Bring them good, solid business, new clients, brilliant employees, new contracts and prosperity.

Journal: What is God saying to me?

Son, I really want you to know that your past is past. The sins are gone. They were gone the day you received Christ into your heart. Cleanse your mind, your thoughts, and wash away the trash that hinders you. Know this, son, I am fighting for you. I am fighting to bless you, to bless your family, to grow your business, to make all your projects a success. Know that, son. Know that I am for you, with you, watching you, guiding you.

The key is that you need to listen. When you do your own thing without consulting me, then I can’t help you. I want to, but I can’t. You have to let me in, you have seek me, you have to seek my counsel based on the rules I have laid down, but when you do, my son, there is great power at your fingertips. Great power! The kind of power that can unleash heavenly angels into the earth for great and mighty things, son.

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Destiny and Purpose

November 23, 2008 · Filed Under purpose/destiny · Comment 

I’m one of those destiny and purpose kinds of people. I love thinking about the bigger picture. I love doing what I was created to do, so I’m driven by my destiny. What am I supposed to do? I think it’s a question that all of us needs to answer, and not just once, but continually.

Back in April of 2004, I read a book called “God is My CEO“, and in the appendix, there was a template for your personal business plan. So, I spent a month writing out my personal business plan. Forty pages later, I landed on my three goals:

  1. To get completely out of debt, mortgage and all.
  2. To make a feature film.
  3. To step full-time into ministry work.

Those were my goals. Interestingly, by the end of 2004, a big project came in and we paid off our mortgage. Wow, that was fast. Goal 1 is done.

In 2005 I resigned from my job to start a production company, and by the end of 2006, we had all of our funding for a feature film. In 2007 we shot the film and by the end of 2007, I had made my first feature film, Fissure. Goal 2 was done.

At this point, you may be thinking, that must feel wonderful, having completed your goals so quickly. Yes, kind of. Another part of me is, “what now?” I kept thinking “full-time ministry” would be in my late 50′s, early 60′s, not my early 40′s. I didn’t quite expect it to happen that fast.

This past week, our church kicked off a beta run of a new program called Emerge. It helps you focus in on your strengths by using a variety of tools. One of those tools is Gallup’s Strengths Finder 2.0. That alone has been wonderful!

Then, with these strengths in mind, you begin to map out your calling and destiny. Using key action words that define your drive, and mapping those into your passion and the people who stir your heart the most, you develop and shape your mission and vision statements.

Let me tell you what I’ve discovered so far. (I say “so far”, because there is so much more to be discovered.) Let me start by mapping out some of the things I discovered about myself:

STRENGTHS

    1. Learner – People strong in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them. 

    2. Relator – People strong in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

    3. Responsibility – People strong in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

    4. Individualization – People strong in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

    5. Belief – People strong in the Belief theme have certain core values that are unchanging. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for their life.

These descriptions are found in the Strengths Finder’s book. I grabbed these descriptions off of someone’s blog about Strengths Finder.

Then, we were shown a list of “Action words”, and told to scan them quickly and see which ones stand out, which ones jumped off the page. I narrowed it down to the top six, and then then top three. Finally, I put them in the order that made the most sense to me.

Those three key Action Words were:

  1. Understand
  2. Communicate
  3. Inspire

Then, with our new destiny ingredients, we started crafting our vision statement. The first task was to identify a people group, or types of people that are important to us. Immediately, two groups of people came to mind–lost people (non believers) and hurting people (both believers and non-believers). Knowing that three of my strengths are relationship-focused (relator, responsibility, individualization), I knew my calling was to hurting people. That’s who I relate to the most, and that’s who I want to help the most.

So, equipped with this new information (at least new to me), I crafted my vision statement as follows:

    To understand and encourage the hurting through communication and inspiration.

I think that really sums up what I feel called to do.

And so, I challenge you–what is your vision statement for life? What has God called you to do? What is your destiny?

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Checked out

October 28, 2008 · Filed Under purpose/destiny, spiritual hearing · Comment 

This morning, I awoke to the voice of God. You must be thinking, How wonderful! Not really. It was more of a rebuke, a warning. Here’s what I heard: “Son, you’ve checked out.” And, I knew exactly what he was referring to.

You see, there’s this little area of my soul that I am still struggling to get ahold of. I say “little” because lots of Christians today wouldn’t even classify it as sin. Yet, the Lord, in his rebuke this morning reminded me, “it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it” (James 4:17). Ouch. But, he’s right. Have you ever noticed that he’s always right?

The words he used “checked out” have such deep meaning to me. I’m driven by destiny, by purpose. I get so excited living out my destiny and moving towards a goal and purpose. I love that kind of stuff. I would call myself a visionary. I can see what the future holds to those who are living out their calling.

So, the words this morning “checked out” were remarkably scary for me. I know that I am running this incredible race called “the human life”. And, it is a race. Paul often referred to this life of faith as a race:

    “Remember that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize. You also must run in such a way that you will win. All athletes practice strict self-control. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. I am not like a boxer who misses his punches. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified” (1 Corinthians 9:24-27).

I love this scripture! Just love it! I must run in such a way that I will win. And, I must run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. This is all very powerful to me. So, when I heard, “Son, you’ve checked out,” it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that this little dark area of my soul that I haven’t completely surrendered to God could easily disqualify me from the race. It’s true! I have checked out, and I need to get back in.

If I’m not running towards the goal with purpose in every step, then why run at all?

This morning, I declare this over my life, “I’m checking in. I’m ready to run. I will focus on the goal at hand, and I will surrender to the Lord this little dark area of my soul.”

I’m reminded of a story I read in John’s Edredge’s book, “Waking the Dead”. He writes:

    When Spillane (The Perfect Storm) treats injured seamen offshore, one of the first things he evaluates is their degree of consciousness. The higher the level, known as ‘alert and oriented times four,’ describes almost everyone in an everyday situation. They know who they are, where they are, what time it is, and what’s just happened. If someone suffers a blow to the head, the first thing they lose is recent events–’alert times three’–and the last thing they lose is their identity. A person who has lost all levels of consciousness, right down to their identity, is said to be ‘alert and oriented times zero.’ When John Spillane wakes up in the water, he is alert and oriented times zero. His understanding of the world is reduced to the fact that he exists, nothing more. Almost simultaneously, he understands that he is in excruciating pain. For a long time, that is all he knows.

    John Spillane is a para-rescue jumper sent into the North Atlantic, into the worst storm of the twentieth century, the perfect storm, as the book and film called it, to rescue a fisherman lost at sea. When his helicopter goes down, he is forced to jump into pitch blackness from an unknown height, and when he hits the water, he’s going so fast it’s like hitting the pavement from eighty feet above. He is dazed and confused–just as we are when it comes to the story of our lives. It’s the perfect analogy. We have no idea who we really are, why we’re here, what’s supposed to happen to us, or why. Honestly, most days we are alert and oriented times zero.”

When I awoke, I was “alert and oriented times zero”. But, it’s time to start running the race again with purpose in every step. Today, I am “alert and oriented times four”. Today, I’m back in the race!

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The Mountain Path

August 1, 2008 · Filed Under purpose/destiny, spiritual hearing · Comment 

In the mid-90′s, when I was young in the faith and working in corporate America, I would often spend my lunches in this quiet conference room upstairs at our offices. It was such a special time in my journey with God. I would slam down a sandwich for lunch and then spend a good half hour or so just reading through the New Testament, praying, listening. I’d just hang out with my Dad. It was a wonderful season of intimacy with my Father.

On October 7, 1995, something amazing happened in that room. Something so amazing that I’m still walking in the fruit of that experience today, almost 13 years later.

Here is my journal entry from that day:

During my quiet time at work, I felt the Lord show me two different paths. Currently I was on a single path, but ahead of me, there was a fork in the path—one to the left and one to the right.

To the left, the path was flat and smooth. It was a simple path, an easy path. To the right, the path was mountainous with hills and valleys weaving their way across the undulating landscape. It looked both exciting and dangerous.

I asked the Lord what it was, and He said, “You have two paths ahead of you. One is fairly pleasant, but longer (the one to the left), and the other is a lot of work, but shorter (the one to the right).”

Then, I asked Him, “Lord, which one do you want me to take?” He said, “The right.” I asked, “Will you be with me all of the way?” He said, “Right next to you, all of the way.” I began to weep. “Lord, then to right we go…”

I asked Him to confirm that this was really Him speaking to me. Before I opened my eyes, He whispered, “Look at the third drawing in this room when you open your eyes.” As I opened my eyes and looked at the third drawing, there was a picture of a road leading up into the mountains. I had never seen this picture before. Surely, he was speaking to me.

Nothing changed for me that day, nor that year. In fact, I wasn’t really sure what I had agreed to, other than this was the path God wanted me to walk, so I trusted him.

Up to this point, I had been an engineer working for a Fortune 500 company. It was a day-to-day job, not very exciting nor rewarding. My passion for the corporate world started waning. I was hungry for something fresh, something new, something challenging. I started to sense that the mountain path was something new, fresh, dynamic, maybe even a bit risky. But, I was ready.

The next year, a friend of mine showed me some new media production software and told me to check it out. I did, and fell in love with this new tool that would allow me to create interactive media with music and sound and video. I was a kid in a candy shop. What fun! The following year, I started dabbling in video production and visual communications.

What I found buried deep in the desires of my heart was this passion to communicate through video and media. My father is a professional photographer, so I was around the visual arts as a kid. But, not desiring that his children become starving artists like himself, my dad suggested that me and my brother become engineers. So, we did.

But, engrained in my spiritual DNA were these desires to communicate through media. I think about Romans 11:29, “The gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” It was like God had shown me this mountain path to pique my adventuresome heart. And, even after making the choice, it was still only a seed, with no obvious fruit in sight. And slowly, like a pregnancy, the seed took shape growing inside of me as I learned about this new desire.

Top Pup MediaOver the years, this passion for media would finally come to fruition, and even today, I now own my own media production business. And as a reflection of that decision years ago, our business logo is a mountain representing the path God has sent me down. 

Another fruit of that decision is a movie that we produced last year called Fissure.

I think about where I was 13 years ago (an engineer stuck in a dead-end cubicle job) to a movie producer chasing his dreams.

Wow, what a journey!

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