God, am I good enough?

January 7, 2009 · Filed Under accepted by God, spiritual hearing · Comment 

To kick off the New Year, my family and I often fast and pray to dedicate the first few days to the Lord, and allow him to speak to us. We fast certain things, like food and/or television, and we read scripture.

This year, my wife and son devoted the first Monday of 2009 to this special time. For me, I wanted to set aside three days to press in and really seek the Lord about this new season in our lives.

Today is that third and final day of my special time with the Lord, and I must say, I’m mad! Seething and frustrated, fighting some intense anger.

Where did this come from? It’s the most bizarre feeling I’ve felt in a long time. My wife said this morning, “No more fasting for you–you’re been a butt the last three days.” Okay, she didn’t say “butt”–it was a nicer word, but it’s true. For some odd reason, I’ve spent my last three days frustrated and angry.

Father, why has this fast has been so hard, so frustrating, so anger-provoking? It just seems like everything has been so easily triggering anger and frustration in me. Lord, I do feel like there is a considerable amount of frustration in me. I’m not sure where it’s coming from.

Lord, what is this?

Son, this fast is allowing elements of your soul to surface. Yes, there is an anger inside of you, and it’s trying to get out. You have stuffed a lot of anger issues. You’ve taken the passive, non-conflict position most of your life, and because of that, it’s created these dark areas of your soul. You know you have it. Most men do. It’s a deep-rooted anger that was never dealt with in a healthy way.

Well, I know the answer isn’t for me to have some sort of outburst, I know that. What is it, Lord? How do I manage the anger, and deal with it like I should? Jesus went through the temples with a whip and started scattering people. There was anger, but a holy anger. I’m not sure there’s any holiness in my anger. Doesn’t feel like it.

Father, I’m just frustrated. It just feels like a fitting end to my fast—frustration. I don’t get it, Father. What’s manifesting? What’s coming out? What’s driving this?

Lack of fulfillment, son. You just don’t feel fulfilled. You are empty in many areas of your soul. You have worked for years in corporate America, and during that time, you so desperately sought affirmation and fulfillment. So, you threw yourself into projects and were the most drawing people pleaser. People liked you and you did well. There was great favor.

But, in all that you’ve done, there has been no fulfillment.

What about the movie project the last two years?

There were traces of fulfillment, but it was more about validation and affirmation. It was more external. The validation and affirmation came from the outside, from people. It felt like fulfillment, but it wasn’t true fulfillment.

Lord, I really felt a sense of accomplishment, goal achievement and satisfaction work on my big project last year. It was a goal and I achieved it with good, solid results. It felt good. I felt fulfilled.

Son, it was temporary. It’s passed and now you are back to feeling unfulfilled. You’re back to step one, seeking for something to fill your soul.

So, Lord, then how do I become fulfilled? What fulfills me?

    ful•fill: to be good enough or of the type necessary to meet a standard or requirement

To be good enough. To meet a standard or requirement.

That’s it. Lord, I don’t feel like I meet your standards. Father, I am not fulfilled, I am not confirmed as meeting a standard, a requirement. I don’t feel good enough.

Son, you are good enough. In Christ, you meet all of my requirements. All of them.

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